February 27, 2008

Family Matters

Do you ever feel like your an outcast or maybe a black sheep in your family? Well, I have for the majority of my life. It's something I have struggled with for longer than I can remember. My parents divorced when I was only 2 years old. My Dad and Grandma got very controlling and "protective". They basically never let me out of the house. Also, I hardly ever saw my Mom. I was very shy around her until High School. And we have built more of a friends relationship more than a Mother/daughter relationship. Some would say thats great...and sometimes I feel blessed. But a lot of time I don't even feel like her daughter. It can be hard sometimes. I also have a brother, Mike, and a sister, Michelle. They too sometimes treat me like I don't exist, or I just plain aren't their sister. They are in another world. I've always felt like I was on the outside looking in.....To something I've wanted so bad. I wonder sometimes do they do it on purpose or don't they even notice? Then I wonder which would be worse. Not sure how to fix these problems either...or if they will ever be fixed. I know people are worse off than me. But its been hard thinking that your Mother doesn't think of you as a daughter. or siblings you don't see you as their sister...Then there is my Dad's side of the family who never seem to take me seriously. So what if I didn't go to a real college?! I have a good job. And went to school for something I am passionate about. So what if I live with my boyfriend?! I love him. And if we do get married, its a marriage that will last, since I have already test drove it. Half the reason they all thought I was "bad" is they compared me to my Mother constantly. And I say..Ya...I am like her. So what?! I'm proud. My Mom is a good person, she too had a rough childhood. There are so many things I have learned over the years to ensure I'll be a great parent. Love. Respect. Honesty. Truthfulness. Privacy. Responsibility. I didn't receive these things growing up, and I don't want my children missing out on things I did. I've done a lot of growing up in the past few years; let go of a lot of grudges, dealt with pain, lost people I love, made hard decisions, figured out who my real friends are. I hope I continue on a good path. And hope my kids grow up happier than I did, as its taken a long time to "get over" things. Just venting......and or rambling..............

1 comments:

Miss B said...

Well I think you will be a great mother. It's all about the things you experience in your life that make you the person you are and I think you're swell :)