August 24, 2008

It WILL change.

When we met with Fr. Bart a month or so ago...something he said has made me think a lot lately. He asked "What will change once we are married since we are living together?" I answered it like this..."Everything. We will be married not just 2 people living together...we will have babies, and depend on each other for a life time." But now that I keep thinking about's frustrating to me. Why does he think just because we are cohabiting that nothing will change?! That enrages me.

We aren't getting married for good health benefits or a good tax break. And yes we are living together because we are helping each other out. Mike needs transportation, and we both are saving money. (and because I just can't live without him..) We are getting married because this is the next step in our relationship. We are ready to take the plunge to that life long commitment, to make a covenant to God that we will love each other unconditionally. Our public declaration of Mr. and Mrs. of our commitment together. We want to have children....which takes things to a whole new level. To us everything is going to change. And I can't wait!

Marriage is very important to me. My parents were divorced when I was at a very young age. I didn't have the best emotional childhood. The divorce itself never affected me. But the things that came from the divorce did. I lived with Grandparents stuck in the 1950's and a over protective Father. And everyone hated my Mother. I had to listen to my whole family degrading my Mother and even physically fighting with her. This hurt words can describe how badly. My Mom may have done a few horrible things, but it gave no right for anyone to place judgment upon her and had no right talking so horribly about her to me. I should have grown up hating my Mom. But I didn't. I defended her every chance I got. They all said I would be just like another words degrading their own sick way. I spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep. I'm over it. Things have changed. As I grew older they realized I was a pretty smart cookie. My Dad and I have become very close over the last few years, and I am grateful. My Grandma and I finally get along....and me and the rest of my family are even closer. I am so glad. And relieved. I never would imagined that we would. And that's a sad thought.

My point is...I will NEVER get divorced. I don't want my children going through what I went through. No I wasn't beaten or molested..or anything like that. But I grew up having a HORRIBLE self-esteem. Which I still struggle with today. I grew up with my own beliefs and my own opinions. Which I am so thankful for. I vowed to myself I would never marry someone that I wasn't completely 100% in love with. And whom I didn't completely trust 100%. I also saw how bad my Mom hurt my Dad. He never said anything, but I could just tell. I saw it in his eyes....sometimes they way he walked and talked. He never remarried. He always said he didn't need anyone else....I was the most important person in his life. Yes. My Dad is the greatest person I know. I love him dearly. It saddens me that he had to hurt so badly and for so long. He is ok now...but it took a long time. But it also makes me happy to give him a 'new' son. And new addition to our family...and I know he is happy too. Even if he jokes that Mike is taking his little girl away...

Everything will change once we say our vows and say 'I do'. And I am (im)patiently waiting. We are so very excited to take this huge step as husband and wife.

How was that for an answer Fr. Bart??

PS. Sorry for such a long post. I told you I like to ramble sometimes....!


Bella said...

Aw, Jenny! This is such a bitter yet sweet post. I know how you feel about your Dad, mine went through the same exact thing. It's nice, as an adult, to be able to look back and think how you want to change your own relationship, I feel the same exact way! But also know, 'things' don't necesarily have to change. You guys (and us) are still going to be in the same relationship we are in with our 'husbands' and that's what we said yes to in the first place! We have some great guys that we are willing to spend the rest of our lives with! And how did it go with your mom? I totally forgot to ask about that! This is long...